The Night Terrorist

Day 18: 8/26/14

Crater Lake National Park

Mileage: I have run out of clever things to say here…

People: 2

Dogs: 2

                Today we finished off the Rim Drive at Crater Lake. Its just so blue! We hiked down into the crater for our boat tour. What I was told was that it would be a short hike, 2 hr boat trip, and then a short hike up, but not too bad. My husband lied to me. We hiked down which wasn’t terrible, but the trail is all loose sand which makes standing upright challenging. The trail is lined with super helpful signs that say things like, “No Rock Throwing. Hikers Below.” I proposed that the signs should be changed to read, “Don’t be a Jerk,” but Brandon thought that would be too open for interpretation for the general public who apparently needs signs to tell them not to do dumb stuff like throw rocks at hikers. When I got to the bottom, we waded into the lake where I fell in. Turns out the rocks are slippery and though the tops look flat, the bottoms are rounded and tilty. And they’re covered in scummy sludge. It was hot down there so all was well. Some little kid laughed at me and then told everyone that he saw a lobster. Being 5, he finds the concept of crayfish confusing, but I suppose they do look something like little lobsters. Touché kid, touché.

                We got on the boat and toured for 2 hours with Captain Andy and Ranger Darby. Ranger Darby nerded out over the all black garter snakes found on Wizard Island. Capt Andy yelled at irresponsible parents who didn’t understand railings on the edge of the boat are not butt perches for small children. We saw a small rock slide, a unique view of the landmarks we had seen from above, and Ranger Darby filled our water bottles with crisp, cool lake water. It was the best water I’ve ever tasted. Not at all like a guy in Pittsburgh filling up bottles in his bathtub. (A little Lewis Black anyone?) The boat tour ended and Ranger Darby announced that the hike is often described as a mile down and 11 back up. Like walking up 65 flights of stairs. There is the lie. Brandon took off to let the dogs out of the car and he claimed to make it back to the car in 19 mins, but as I told you before, he’s a liar, so who knows how long it actually took him. It took me roughly 30 mins and when I got to the car, my fitbit exploded.

                Tired, hungry, and sun burnt, we headed back to camp for dinner. Turns out I’ve become something of a camp chef in the last few weeks. Tonight’s dinner was grilled chicken breasts with spicy, cheese potato packets. Delicious. We made s’mores, knitted, and watched the fire. Well, I knitted. Brandon the liar still refuses to do anything productive with his relaxation time. Unless you count drink beer.

                We settled into bed, and around 2 am woke up to more horrific screaming. This time there was no discussion, no crying, no frightened pleas, just screaming. So. Much. Screaming. I cannot tell you the unease and fear you feel in the very core of your soul when you wake from a deep sleep to what I can only describe as Murder Screaming. Immediately my brain turned on my fight or flight response action system as the thought of those 30-70 bears mauling the family next to us popped into my head. Turns out everyone in their tent was fine. The daughter and parents slept through the whole thing, how I do not know, especially since their son is a night terrorist. Commonly people describe his affliction as “Night Terrors”, but that, my friends, is bullshit. When you start screaming like that at 2 am in a campsite equipped with a bear box, you are not the one suffering as “Night Terrors” would imply. It is a misnomer. The person doing the screaming is experiencing nothing. He doesn’t have trouble falling asleep. His screams don’t wake him up in the middle of a pitch black night. In the morning when he gets up, he retains nothing of the previous night’s events. I, however, will never sleep again. I, however, am the victim of a night terrorist.

Day 19: 8/27/14

Crater Lake National Park to Craters of the Moon National Monument

Mileage: Ummmm What felt like 9 days. Really 10 hours worth.

People: 2

Dogs: 2

                After the remainder of my sleepless night was spent staring at the inside of the tent and making a mental note to murder that kid and buy bear spray, we hopped in the car for a quick 10 hour jaunt to Craters of the Moon National Monument. But not before eating cold oatmeal in the packets that probably expired 3 years ago…it was everything I expected it to be. We drove through Idaho, another new state for both of us and had Sonic for dinner. At the risk of starting a feud, Sonic is better than In-N-Out Burger. It had to be said, moving on. Driving through Idaho is weird. You start off driving through the woods, then hit mountainy areas, continue through the rolling hills of big sky country, pass rocky painted desert scenes, and end up on the moon, camping in lava fields. Weird.

                We got in well after dark and decided to car camp again. This time the back end of the car was flat and everyone stayed in place. There’s extremely low light pollution here because you’re in the middle of nowhere Idaho which means we had the BEST view of the night sky I’ve ever seen. There have been many moments this trip where I think, man am I lucky, but tonight took the cake. I stood in our camp, next to Brandon, looking up at the most beautiful night sky full of stars. It was the first time I’ve ever seen the Milky Way. Everything was quiet with the other campers in bed and it was as if the night sky was lit up with a billion twinkling stars just for us. Incredible.  

                I fell asleep happy and was woken by the sun streaming in the car window. Not screaming.

And the beat goes on...

Day 16: 8/24/14

Eureka to Crater Lake National Park

Mileage: However far you can get in like 6 hours

People: 2

Dogs: 2

                This morning I took my final free hot shower, we packed up the car, said goodbye to Joan, Nick, & the baby and headed out to our next stop at Crater Lake National Park. We got about an hour into our drive and stopped again in the Redwood National Park/Forest at Ladybird Johnson Grove. While the trees were still huge, but not as big as Big Tree or as giant as Giant Tree, there were a lot of hollowed out trees to climb & play in. Most of the trees that were hollow had been burned out by fire over a 100 years ago and some continue to grow. One tree we walked inside was more spacious than our 6 person tent. Of course all of our best ideas happen in the Redwood forest, and today was no exception. As I mentioned before, we’d been watching a lot of dumb crazy people be interviewed about various mythical creatures on Penn & Teller’s show and we couldn’t help but think, how could we cash in on that? Well today it came to me. When Brandon jokingly stopped us in the trail, and very seriously pointed to a tree base and said, “that’s where the Keebler elf lives”, the idea for woodland elf & fairy tours was born. I bet we could rake in the cash. We just have to practice saying these things with a straight face. We took some pictures and were on our way again.

                We pulled into the Crater Lake campground to find our first bear box. This is a giant industrial strength metal box with a special bear proof latch that keeps bears out of your food & toiletries. Brandon says this is to keep the bears safe and I was disheartened to learn this is in no way designed to keep me safe…The idea is that a fed bear is a dead bear. Many bears that get fed people food, very quickly become aggressive and then have to be killed. No food = bears live. There have not been bears spotted in Crater Lake campgrounds for years and there are roughly 30-70 bears in the entire park which is over 200,000 acres. Ultimately, it worked to keep the thief birds from stealing the dog food.

Day 17: 8/25/14

Crater Lake National Park

Mileage: ?

People: 2

Dogs: 2

                First things first. Today Dad turned 60. I sent him a postcard from the Redwoods that said we finally found something older than him. I’m a laugh riot.

                Today we took the dogs on a hike to Godfrey Glen Trail, about 5 miles round trip, and saw some of the nearby canyons and pumice stone pinnacles. We’ve been lucky that the weather has been so nice this trip. Even with it being bright and sunny today it was still only mid 70s. Workin’ on my tan.

                After getting back and having a quick lunch, we loaded everybody back in the car and started part of the Rim Drive to head to Sun Notch and see Phantom Ship overlook. Crater Lake is an absolutely beautiful National Park. The water is bluer than the sky and changes to deep turquoise & emerald depending on your relation to the water, the sun, and the depth in that particular spot. The deepest part of the lake is 1,943 feet deep and average clarity is over 100 feet deep. (Lake Tahoe averages 70 feet, so take that Tahoe.) The lake is the deepest and purist in the U.S. It was created by a volcanic eruption 7,700 years ago and the walls fell in on itself creating the crater. The crater was sealed by lava and some scientific process involving stone & compression & magic and the bed of the crater was then able to hold water. 34 billion gallons of water. The lake is fed solely by rain & snow. While there are waterfalls that empty into the lake, the water from these come from aquifers surrounding the crater filled by rain & snow. 17 million gallons seeps out under the north side of the crater basin and Ranger Darby claims nobody has any clue where it all goes. The rest evaporates and thus creates an amazingly pure, static system.

                Phantom Ship is an island created when part of the crater wall slid into the water. If the light is just right and you’re looking at in just the right way, from across the water it seems to disappear. Basically, the rocks match the crater wall so well, it blends in with the shore behind it. We took a ton of pictures. We headed to the visitor center, bought tickets for the boat tour for the following day, and walked along the rim oooo-ing & aaaahhh-ing our way back to the car.

                Back at camp we made a fire, ate dinner, and relaxed watching the fire. The family next to us had an argument with their son who thought he was qualified to play with matches and light the family campfire. Later on he screamed and cried like a baby when “a tiny spark landed on me”. I don’t think little Jimmy has a future in their local fire department…

                Just as I had settled into bed and closed my eyes, screaming started coming from the family camps. I mean, blood curdling SCREAMING. This was followed by two sleepy parents explaining to their hysterical son that they were not opening the tent and he was having a bad dream and should go back to sleep. He fell asleep. I, on the other hand was wide awake thinking of those 30-70 bears…

Eureka Continued

Day 14: 8/22/14

Eureka continued

Mileage: I never left the house J

People: 4

Dogs: 2

Baby: 1

                Today was a stay at home, snuggle the baby, and eat cookie dough on the couch kind of day. I showered because it was there, changed into a fresh t shirt and took my rightful place on the couch where Cuddles and I watched Charlie and Coach Bombay lead the Ducks to victory. Also, if you peel the cookie dough log, you can eat it like a banana. It was delicious. I made honey lime chicken enchiladas for dinner and we babysat while Joan & Nick had their first night out sans baby. I came out of the shower to hear Brandon inform me that the baby threw up on him and he thinks she pooped her pants. He did not know how to change a diaper. He’s a fast learner…We rounded out the night with more TV watching and sleeping in an actual bed.

                We’ve been watching a lot of Penn & Teller’s Bullshit! while at Joan & Nick’s. While its very entertaining, we saw a lot of dumb hippies in their mecca, Sedona, on the show. There were people talking about dolphins and apparently, for like $90 a session for 6 weeks, you can channel your inner dolphin in some crazy lady’s living room in Sedona. That episode also included dolphin assisted water birth in the ocean.

Day 15: 8/23/14

Eureka continued

Mileage: Ask Nick. He drove.

People: 4

Dogs: 2

Baby: 1

                Started the morning off with a wonderfully warm shower and then we all climbed into the car for a trip North to Redwoods National Forest. Joan is a terrible navigator. There I said it. Too bad Joan. It’s true. Hysterically true. (She’s sitting on her couch and as she reads this screams, that’s not true, and Nick says yes it is. Bet you $20.) “We passed this big tree and there was a sign for it.” I thought today was the day Nick might murder her. She navigates like I do: by landmarks. Which is not an effective navigational strategy when every landmark is a huge tree…in a forest…of huge trees.  Eventually we found the sign (which to Joan’s credit, was facing the opposite direction we were traveling) and pulled into the grove we were looking for. We saw Big Tree. It was big. Not giant, like Giant Tree. To give you an idea of how awesomely old and enchanted this forest is, it’s actually the same forest where part of Jurassic Park and the Ewok forest scenes were filmed, so picture that. There very easily could be dinosaurs or big foot hiding somewhere in there. It just feels…old. Moss covered branches, ferns taller than I am, dimly lit trails, sunlight streaming through holes in the forest canopy.

                In the spirit of all the weird TV we had been watching, Brandon and I discussed the subject of good/crappy horror films and while in the woods, the idea for “Attack of the Wood Beavers” was born. It’s become something of a joke between us that every time we see a stack of tree branches cut down I inform him “wood beavers” are present. Well, there were stacks and stacks of trees being cut down for whatever reason and I thought, man those wood beavers sure are active around here. Combine this with the old, creepy feel of the forest and it was really just a hop, skip, & a jump to giant mutated beavers that come out of the woods to gnaw off unsuspecting hikers’ legs. To give credit where credit is due, Brandon was the one that suggested the team hunting the evil carnivorous beavers would happen upon a dam made of these bloody stumps of legs & arms.  I really hope to see this made into a movie some day. You all know you would go see this and I would be a millionaire. We also discussed the idea of horror movie titles that sound like pornos and I think this would work to our advantage in this case. 50% of people would come thinking it was porn and 100% would leave satisfied regardless.

                We walked a short loop then got back in the car to continue the search for elk we were promised. We couldn’t find the herd, which is the largest herd of Roosevelt elk in the country, but we did see one elk butt in the clearing, so win.

Per the Request of Robyn Stewart.

Day 10: 8/18/14

Bodega Bay

Mileage: No drive day! Kind of…

People:2

Dogs: 2

                Bodega Bay: where they filmed Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. I can only imagine that the kindhearted individuals of Bodega Bay were trying to recreate some of the film’s original feel when they covered our beach adjacent campground in bird seed. It was like animal planet in our camp; very tiny, irritating animal planet. Each campsite was surrounded by bushes, which made them both secluded, and the perfect spot for every bird in town to roost. The sounds of the birds’ aerial attacks and the neighborhood cat kept the dogs going crazy all night.  We were a little beached out at this point, and it was another foggy, grey morning on the coast so we went into town, grabbed some incredibly yummy coffee and headed into Wine Country for a little tasting. We visited a place called, Locals, in Sonoma County. Being the classy lady I am, I rolled up wearing my Toms, khaki hiking pants, and a Ben & Jerry’s tshirt imprinted with the phrase: I like to spoon. We tasted (for FREE) a million different kinds of delicious wines from over 10 different wineries, got “lunch drunk”, which is a rich white lady term for drunk at lunch, but in a very snooty way, bought a few bottles of our favorites, and stopped at the wood fired pizza place next door for lunch because they let us use their (clean) bathrooms. Turns out, lunch was delicious! We headed back to bird camp, relaxed, ate dinner, and again, yelled at the dogs all night for barking at noises outside the tent.

                Interesting fact about Bodega Bay, while its claim to fame is having hosted Alfred and his film crew, nothing left actually looks like it did in the movie. This seems silly to me because if the one thing that made your tiny spot on the map famous was the way it looked in an old movie, wouldn’t you keep it that way? Apparently not. Though, the local gas stations and corner stores are filled with kitschy trinkets and photos of what it used to look like during filming. My favorite were the plaques that say things like, “Tippie Hendersen stood here right before the school children were mauled to death by seagulls.” We are adding this movie to the top of our Netflix que as soon as we get home.

Day 11: 8/19/14

Bodega Bay to Eureka, home of Cuddles, the cutest baby I know

Mileage: Doesn’t seem that long while you’re snacking on leftover sourdough bread…

People:2

Dogs: 2

                Continuing up PCH to Eureka, I got carsick for the first time in my life. Signs on the road signaling sharp turns actually displayed U-turn type arrows, which we laughed at, until the laughing stopped... After the juices in my stomach sloshed back and forth for a while, my brain couldn’t keep up and it was time to route off the road or christen the car with my own puke. Brandon being the loving car owner he is, decided to reroute us and plugged in different coordinates. Joke’s on me, because every time we thought we were routing off the highway, the GPS would mockingly chime: continue on Highway 1 for 40 more miles, or something ridiculous like that.

                In between swells of nausea, I noticed a rather weird thing about California: coastal ranching. Precariously perched along the cliffs of Pacific Coast Highway was herd after herd of cattle with the best view in the country. They looked like they were going to just drop right off the side of the earth.

                After winding through the southern part of Humbolt County’s redwood forest, the road straightened out a bit, the car remained vomit free, and we pulled into Joan & Nick’s in Eureka. Also of note, along the way we saw a black fluffy lump in the highway, we assumed to be a dead bear and when I told this to Joan, she suggested it may be a homeless person.

                Eureka in Humbolt County, used to be a Northern California logging town. Now it is a wasteland filled with the homeless, drugged out hippies, a hospital, and my friend Joan & her family. Joan works as a nurse at the local hospital, Nick is a photojournalist working on a multimedia project about the town’s homeless, and Cuddles is their super cute baby that’s only 6 weeks old. They also have a polydactyly cat named Thumbs, and two other cats that look like the same cat: Little Cat and Tiny Cat. Joan is not a creative person. Also, I side with Nick on this one, you should’ve gotten the yellow cat, Joan. Who needs two cats that look the same?

                Once settled and showered, we watched a ridiculous amount of mind numbingly crappy TV, ate pretty good pizza, and snuggled Cuddles until I went to sleep in a BED. Amazing.

Day 12: 8/20/14

Eureka!

Mileage: No Driving!

People: 4

Dogs: 2

Baby: 1

                Today for the second day in a row, I showered. It was great. Joan & Nick, being the wonderful hosts they are, drove us to Humbolt Redwoods State Forest. The home of Giant Tree. It is appropriately named, being 363 feet tall. Seeing the Redwoods National Forest just may be the highlight of the trip for me. (For Brandon its the driving. He just loves all the driving.) I think the best sights to see are those that can’t be contained in a photograph. These trees are over 1000 years old and so tall that we are dwarfed in their shadows. It was impossible to capture one tree from ground to top. The air on the forest floor was crisp & clean, and when you could get away from other people, silent. If you stood there long enough you could hear these ancient trees creaking in the wind. There is something very special about this place.

                We went back home for continued baby snuggles and Nick showed us the project he’s working on. For a while now, he’s been chronicling the life of the homeless in Eureka as they battle drugs, alcohol, & illness. Check out his work at www.adamsvisuals.com. A friend of theirs travels the world photographing rich kids on vacation and they gave me one of his animal prints for my office. In typical Joan fashion, it’s a very nicely framed photo of a baboon’s butt & testicles. The card, also in typical Joan fashion read, “You’re the boss of the doctors. Always remember, you’ve got balls.” It’s a sweet touching pep talk in her own disturbing way. It will make a nice addition to my office.

Day 13: 8/21/14

Eureka continued

Mileage: Who cares? I’m not driving

People: 4

Dogs: 2

Baby: 1

                Today I took another shower! and we rolled out to tour Eureka. We stopped at a local yarn store and I bought super soft & fluffy locally spun & dyed alpaca yarn. OOOooooo. After what Brandon describes as “too much time in a yarn store” we walked to the harbor and had some great ice cream and watched the employees make homemade waffle cones.  If I had this capability at home, everything we ate would be served in a waffle cone.

                We left Eureka and ventured north to visit the hippie town of Arcata. Filled. With. Hippies. Everybody’s high. Nobody does anything. I am not sure how the loafing hippie lifestyle is sustained. Nick swears the secret is local, daily meals at the food pantries/homeless shelters. The highlight of Arcata is the hippie co-op. This place is pretty cheap and filled with amazing bulk items. You can pick up a jar, hold it under the spout, press a button, and peanuts are ground into peanut butter, filling the jar right before your eyes! They have vats of bulk honey. You can buy bulk, safe for the environment dish soap & laundry detergent. They sell bouquets of flowers with dahlias the size of your face for $7.99. Had this been my first and only encounter buying things in California, I would have probably stayed forever. However, this seems to be the only place we could actually afford to buy anything and they don’t sell gas. Did I mention the most expensive gas we found was in Big Sur for $5.79 a gallon? In. Sane. We left with a few snacks and headed back for another night of wonderfully mind numbing TV watching and then slept in a comfy bed. Disclaimer: Brandon would not allow me to buy anything in bulk. We apparently had an appropriate amount of peanut butter already. 

Read about more awesome stuff we did

Day 7: 8/15/14

Sand Dollar Beach

Mileage: Beach day. Driving is not important

People:2

Dogs: 2

Seagulls: significantly less than Morro Strand

                Today was beach day. We sat and did nothing on the beach ALL DAY. And it was good. The dogs got to be off leash a little and spent their time running in & out of the waves, drinking the ocean, and napping. Everyone got sunburned. As we were packing up to head home, dolphins came in to play with the surfers and in a “right place at the right time” moment, we watched them jump and ride the waves in before they headed back out to sea. 

                On our way home, Wormy started wigging out and was panting out of control. We thought he was all messed up from being in the car so much and drinking ocean water. Turns out he was and peed all over the back seat. All. Over. Moose thinks he’s a jerk. Brandon cleaned it up while I walked him and he peed like five more times everywhere. That little gem is for you parents. (See yesterday’s post.)

                We car camped again, but this time for free in what the National Parks system calls “dispersed camping” and what we call “hippie camping”. This is when you pull off the road, in our case on the side of a mountain overlooking PCH and the ocean, and camp in a pull out area. We learned a valuable lesson that night: if you car camp with the trunk sloping down a hill to catch a breeze, your sleeping bags coupled with your foam mat will act something like a slip & slide trying to catapult you and the dogs out of the back of the car all night. It will also mean, that the big fluffy dog spends the night on your pillow, in an effort to send everyone else out of the car before him. Also, the whole car smelled like dog pee. Wormy is a jerk.

                Today’s feature on Go! Go! Camping Gadgets! is baby wipes. We’ve been pretty lucky with the weather being mostly grey and a little chilly so we’re not really too sweaty, but dispersed camping (and most California camp sites for that matter) mean no showers. Baby wipes are a must if you want other people to be able to stand you in the car all day.

Day 8: 8/16/14

Julia Pheiffer Burns State Park, Pheiffer Big Sur, PCH

Mileage: Not important

People:2

Dogs: 2

                I think today was my favorite day. The part of the trip I’ve been dreaming about for years. Today we drove PCH through Big Sur. It is hands down the best bit of driving we’ve ever done. Absolutely gorgeous. One rocky cliff is bigger and more beautiful than the next. We pulled off the road for some quick photos and were treated to a whale off shore, swirling and smacking his fin in the water. We drove over Bixby Bridge and stopped in Julia Pheiffer Burns State Park to walk to McWay Falls. This area looks like a postcard. Because the cliffs are so rocky and dangerous, there’s no developed pathway down to the falls, which empty out onto a pristine white sandy beach that leads into clear turquoise ocean water. You can hear the waves crash onto the nearby rocks and sandy shore. And if you’re lucky like us, you can look down onto the sand and see where some asshole snuck down and wrote YOLO in giant rocks right across the middle of the beach. YOLO? Really? I don’t know which is worse, polluting everyone’s perfect view or writing YOLO. Yes, I do. Its writing YOLO. Asshole.

                We took some creative pictures to avoid the idiot’s contribution to the beach and continued on our way. We stopped to pick up another sticker for the ‘ole mule and Brandon almost died when gas was $5.79 a gallon. A bag of ice was $3.50. Well played minimart, well played.

                We continued on our way to Monterey Bay which is filled with rich white people, with very lovely gardens, so we quickly left and traveled up to Moss Landing to stretch our legs with a walk on the beach. We were quickly rewarded with another whale sighting and seals and sea otters playing in the harbor. The sea otters wrap themselves in kelp and tangle the kelp together so they can all float together in a big sea otter raft, or  “oodle” as Brandon calls them. An oodle of otters. We walked back to the car past Elkhorn Slough and watched the Marbled Godwit (my favorite bird) stick its long pointy beak in the sand looking for worms and bugs and pelicans (Brandon’s favorite bird) coast on the sea air currents.

                Onward and northward we traveled, to San Francisco, where we spent the night in a hotel and everyone, including Moose & wormy got a bath.

Day 9: 8/17/14

San Francisco to Bodega Bay

Mileage: mmmm…no clue

People:2

Dogs: 2

Sourdough bread consumed: it wasn’t pretty…

                Welcome to San Francisco friends! Today was a colossal day! We got to Battery East just in time to easily find a parking spot and walk up to the Golden Gate Bridge. While on the bridge some morons with a death wish stopped traffic in the northward side so their even more moronic friend could do doughnuts on the bridge at break-neck speed while his brilliant girlfriend filmed it out the window. I really hope they got arrested at the end. I wouldn’t know because we walked half way across and turned around. You get the point about half way across, and I had to get to the sourdough bread bakery before our parking ran out, so that was enough of that. We took some pictures, saw the important stuff, and headed to find food. Also of note: there are people passing out suicide prevention literature with religious undertones at the entrance to the bridge. They really want you to live and then find Jesus. There are also special phones for suicide hotlines on the bridge. Let me just say that killing yourself by jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge is not only lame, but a really stupid idea. But I’ve never wanted to kill myself and I don’t like being cold & wet so what do I know.

                From the Golden Gate Bridge we hoofed it 3.5 miles along the bay to get to Fisherman’s Wharf and Boudin Sourdough Bread. This lunch was life changing. If I lived in San Fran, I’d be morbidly obese. I had the MOST delicious smokey tomato soup in a sourdough bread bowl and Brandon? Brandon ordered fish tacos. Seriously, who orders fish tacos at the famous sourdough bread place? Brandon would like me to point out: he does. He orders fish tacos. May I also point out that while it was sunny at Fisherman’s wharf, it had been rainy & dreary all morning at the National Suicide Monument and despite the sun, was still windy and crisp at about 70 degrees. Perfect for soup. Or fish tacos I suppose…Anyway, I digress yet again because the point of this is to tell you how amazing all the bread was! This place was enormous and it’s allegedly San Fran’s oldest sourdough bread bakery. When you walk in the left side is all cooking gadgets in the front and lunch counter in the back. While you wait in line to pick up your delicious, delicious soup and bread bowl (or fish tacos) you can look at the monthly bread specials, which are loaves of sourdough bread baked into different shapes, i.e. a heart for February, pumpkin for October, Christmas tree for December. To the right, you’ll find the bakery line which I happily stood in and gave them all my money. I walked away with a loaf of sourdough bread to take to Joan & Nick’s, two sourdough sandwich rolls to be savored in the car later, and a lemon bar and chocolate brownie for dessert. (All of these things were amazing.) On the far right past the bakery line, yes, I actually made it past the bakery line, is the bakery itself. They make so much bread that they actually need a conveyor basket system to carry the bread to the bakery and the lunch line.

                We ate our lunch quickly outside on the wharf and went to Pier 39 to see the sea lions. They were there. We saw them. Then we turned around and headed back 3.5 miles to get to the car before the lot closed.

                A few things to add about San Francisco: they have these Go Car things that are tiny midget cars that you can rent and go for a driving audio tour. They also have fitness stops along the bay trail with all kinds of pull up bars & stretchy things. That’s nice for fitness minded people.

                From the car, we drove over the Golden Gate Bridge and headed on to our way back to PCH and ended up in Bodega Bay at Bodega Dunes to camp for the night.

Week 1: Driving is the worst part of road trips

We made it safely to Utah and our first official stop: Zion National Park! Everyone’s in one piece and nobody has murdered anyone. So far, vacation is a success!

What we have decided to do is blog updates and post them when we get internet access so at first glance it may seem that we’re slacking, but we are in fact, very responsible bloggers. (That’s pronounced ‘blaggers’ if you’re my mom.)

Day 1: 8/9/14

Orland Hills, IL to Aurora, NE

Mileage: Too much

People: 2

Dogs: 2

                We only had to stop and clean up dog puke once today. Victory!  We camped in Aurora because they have these cute little campgrounds: Lie. We camped in the freaking middle of nowhere Nebraska because it was free and we needed to get out of the car before our dog total became 0.  It was a nice little place with clean bathrooms, which is entirely how I judge the quality of a state. By its rest stop bathrooms, but more on that in a bit.

                We car camped in Aurora and Brandon threw together the car set up as I scrambled to cook what is now the infamous “death chicken” before the “Severe Thunderstorms” and “Damaging Hail” made it into town.  It was close.  Brandon got this neat tent conversion thing that clips on the back of the car to create an anti-bug screen so we can leave the hatch open. The dogs do not understand that it extends farther than the end of the car. They are afraid of it now.

                Just as we got everything packed away, secured for the night, and literally had closed our eyes to go to sleep, the storm starts and the tornado sirens go off. After being trapped in a hot car with two furry 60lbs dogs and no airflow in the middle of Nebraska in August, I prayed for a swift death. Everyone survived. It cooled off. And eventually the dogs stopped crying.

Day 2: 8/10/14

Aurora, NE to Dillon, CO

Mileage: Ugh

People: 2

Dogs: 2

                I’ve created a ranking of states based solely on the quality of their bathrooms at rest stops. I’m not judging based on gas station/restaurant bathrooms, solely on Rest Stops.  The aftermath of the aforementioned infamous “death chicken” led to both the idea for and creation of this list.

1. Ohio. Spectacular. By far the cleanest rest stops I’ve ever been in and they also combine them with the best fast food places: Starbucks, Panera, Burger King.

2. Pennsylvania. Nothing stands out. Not dirty.

3. Indiana. Again, not totally filthy.

50. Nebraska. Disgusting. On the way home I will be that person you see running to the tree line from the side of the road before you ever catch me in one of those bathrooms again.

This is all I will say about that little endeavor.

                Car camping was such a hit, that Brandon decided we needed to spend night 2 in a Super8. We went to a good little local brewery in Dillon called Dam Brewery and realized our déjà vu was because we had actually been there before! We once drove from Denver to Grand Junction CO for an interview for residency match and then spent a nice weekend in Boulder. It was the trigger for a quiet, reflective dinner on how far we’d come and where we were headed.  Man, we’ve got a pretty great life.

Day 3: 8/11/14

Dillon, CO to Zion National Park, Springdale, UT

Mileage: Jesus…

People: 2

Dogs: 2

                After securing the last possible campsite in Zion National Park for two nights, I am now the greatest wife in the history of marriage. This place is AMAZING! The walls of the canyon and the towering peaks look painted. It feels like we’re in a John Wayne western out here.  This is easily the best campground we’ve ever stayed at. Clean restrooms (I think you all know where my priorities are), dish washing station for easy post meal clean up, and spectacular views of the rock formations that make ZNP famous. Round two of camp dinner was cheesy chicken rice burritos over the camp fire. Delicious and GI agreeable.  We bought a sticker to add to the luggage rack, or what we’re calling “the ole mule”, and relaxed next to the fire until we went to bed at 9:30 like old people.

                Brandon has been tasked with two jobs for this blog: Go! Go! Camping Gadgets! where he writes about gear we need, don’t need, and wish we had; and The Wonderful Wide World of Beer where he reviews local beer. Now before you get all male equality, men’s lib on me, he thinks the idea of a blog is great but is also both the worst and laziest blog contributor. We settled on these two because they’re both things he enjoys, however since he still hasn’t officially agreed to these, I’m making the first entry for both as guest contributor.

                Go! Go! Camping Gadgets! first entry is inspired by car camping. I really love the car camping tarp conversion thing. This saves a lot of time and we can set it up anywhere we want including rest stops which is great for traveling on a budget. However, the time saved was subsequently squandered with cooking a full camp breakfast the following morning. It’s also hot in the back of the car. Best used in the fall, or where the car can be positioned in a nice breeze.

                The Wonderful Wide World of Beer’s first entry is dedicated to Uinta’s Brown Ale. A six pack cost $12. It was the best beer he ever had and his wife is a super nice wife for spending $12 on a 6 pack of beer. (Disclaimer: this may be an appropriately priced 6 pack, however I do not often buy beer and have no clue where this price ranks in the Wonderful Wide World of Beer.)

Day 4: 8/12/14

Zion National Park

Mileage: Thank God, no driving

People: 2

Dogs: 2, but almost 0

                This morning we slept in. Until 6:30. Like the elderly couple we are…We took the dogs on a walk on the Pa’ruas trail along the Virgin River. It was overcast, about 75, drizzling on & off, and the dogs got to play in the river as we walked. Then all hell broke loose when the dogs encountered another dog and we busted out the muzzles. It did not go well…Moose had his muzzle off and in his mouth no more than 3 seconds after he got it on and the puppy suddenly lost all ability to walk with this contraption on. Eventually, both dog snouts were liberated and we made it home. But not before pulling two thorns out of the puppy’s paws because somebody can’t seem to stay on the trail like the signs say.

                While Brandon napped, I rode the park shuttle to all the different stops, took some pictures, and wandered back to camp. We drove the Kolab Canyon road to Kolab reservoir and just enjoyed meandering through the area. Overall I’d say if you like awesome stuff, Zion NP is for you.

                Today on Go! Go! Camping Gadgets! we’re featuring the Canopy. Great idea for places without a lot of shade or in our case, more rain than expected. This will ensure that when you wake up in the morning, the camping recipe binder you painstakingly printed, sifted through, and was the source of all your meals for 2 months, stayed dry in the freak thunderstorm rolling through ZNP. We left our canopy at home.

Day 5: 8/13/14

Zion National Park to Morro Bay, CA

Mileage: Weirdest. Drive. Ever.

People: 2

Dogs: 2

                The alarm went off at 6 am, we slept in until the storm started at 6:30, then continued to doze as we waited it out. We ended up soaked, but well rested, and 2 hrs behind schedule. The drive out to Morro Bay took us through Vegas, the Mohave Desert, and finally out to the California coast. We had a lovely pit stop in the middle of hot as hell valley at a gas station/casino/fireworks store on the Paute Reservation. The bathrooms were clean.   We also drove through terrain that started with ZNP and Kolob Canyons, continued into what looked like the moon, and ended at the ocean.

                We camped at Morro Strand State Beach because again, I’m an amazing wife with great ideas.  It’s the first stop on the Pacific Coast Highway and it was overrun with feral children. Seriously, children and seagulls as far as the eye could see. Mysterious absence of adults. Overabundance of small children and annoying birds. We set up camp next to a colony of kids, Brandon got in trouble with the camp host for trying to buy firewood 10 mins past her selling time, and we all relaxed by the fire listening to the sounds of the ocean. And I knitted.

Day 6: 8/14/14

Morro Strand State Beach to San Simeon

Mileage: Who cares? We’re driving PCH

People:2

Dogs: 2

Seagulls: 85 billion

                Yummy pancake, eggs, & camp coffee sludge then it was on our way to explore the area and PCH. We happened to find, the elephant seal rookery in San Simeon.  They’re pretty much there year round, but you’ll see different ages/sexes depending on the season. We were just in time for the late summer male molt.  A lady described them to me as “worms covered in lard”. This is accurate. But I would like to add, have the face of Gonzo, the muppet, to that description. These gentlemen weigh in at around 5,000 lbs and can measure up to 16 feet. And they could mess you up. These animals move surprisingly quick and have huge teeth that have been known to bloody a few people.  When they fight, they rear up in the water and smack each other in the face, with their own face…It’s a crazy thing that uses its own face as a weapon. I see why people get hurt. Their call sounds like farts. Brandon would like to point out that the only people who find this funny were me, and all of the children. It was funny. I laughed. Picture this: Gonzo’s head on a 5,000 lbs lard covered worm, smacking other creatures with its face, all while making really loud fart sounds. Awesome.

                After the elephant seal excitement, we grabbed some groceries and headed back to camp. Good news! There children were still feral and the seagulls were still the most awful of all of God’s creations. A 13 month old toddled over to try to pet the puppies and totally bit it when she tripped over their leash trying to get away. The Munroe followed her, licking her feet as she screamed and tried frantically to get away. We tried to return her to her mother, but we couldn’t find her. Now we have our own baby. No. Not really. Her mom turned out to be very nice, but outnumbered by children.

                Now for an aside on children. Specifically, other people’s children. I am not a fan of them. Parents, please! Watch them! You are very near a large body of water, open fires, traffic, strangers, and dogs. It really bothers me that parents let their kids approach any dog they see. Our dogs are almost never off leash and they tend to get a little nutty when they’re cornered, especially when it’s their dinner time. The More You Know. 

                Also, I overheard one of the greatest conversations between a mother and her 4ish year old. Kid: I want to wear that shirt, but not the dirty one. Mom: that’s the only shirt. The dirty one. Kid: ::screaming & tears:: No, I want that one, but clean. Mom: It doesn’t exist. Kid: ::screaming continues:: Mom: Go pick out another shirt and I’ll help you get it on. Kid: Mom! I need you. Mom: did you pick out a different shirt. Kid: No. Mom: then I guess you don’t need me. Kid: ::more screaming:: This little interaction was hysterical for me. What I enjoyed was the mentality of a kid that thinks this shirt exists in two forms: clean & dirty. Parents of the world, I’m sure you feel otherwise. Please know that us childless adults laugh at your torture.

                We had dinner and I opened a bottle of wine when some other kid around 12ish ran over to our site and commented on my wine while camping. I raised my glass, ate my dinner, and finished off the whole bottle. And it was good.

The universe is conspiring against us...

Tomorrow, or should I say today, is the big day when we leave for the trip: The Trip.  The ultimate of all life changing road trips. 2 months. 4,000+ miles. 6 National Parks. Pacific Coast Highway. Car camping. One cute baby. 2 married people. 2 furry super passengers. One Leonard the stegosaurus travel mascot.

But first a brief word on heart worms. That's right friends, two days before we leave and we find out Chomper has heart worms. Two pharmacies, 180 pills, and over $300 later and we finally have treatment for it. Well, the first part...It would appear that the universe is conspiring against us and Chomps, who we're now lovingly calling "Wormy" instead of "Bear Bait". (We have also named our favorite two heart worms, "Squirmy 1 and Squirmy 2.) Come to think of it, this poor dog has more nicknames than I can count and as we were getting his dog tag updated with his new address I briefly wondered whether he would come when called by his actual name, which happens to be Munroe.

Anyway, I digress. Heart worms requires 30 days of doxycycline (insanely expensive), followed by a shot (I don't think our bank account can count that high...) that requires he be on "extremely limited activity" meaning crating him in the house and walking him on a leash long enough to do his business (completely impossible) for 30 days, and following all of this with two more shots 24 hrs apart and another 30 days of strict activity rest. I expect this to be as successful as herding cats into a bathtub.  No one will be happy. Everyone will emerge scarred for life. The problem with this plan is 4 fold: 1) My poor, sweet boy has HEART WORMS! (despite year round monthly prevention, read: we are not irresponsible pet owners), 2) Operation heart worm eradication is expensive as hell, 3) Our 2 month road trip is now one month, 4) Physical activity after the shot could kill him as the heart worms die and can clog up his major blood vessels (Bad squirmy 1&2!). I did not mention his 30 days of antibiotics is not 1 pill daily, but 3 pills twice daily. By the end of this trip Brandon and I intend to herd cats professionally...

After moving my sister to her new place, which is huge and has an amazing wrap around porch, we pulled out all of our preplanned maps/trip tik and set about destroying the hard work of Linda from AAA.  Essentially, we're reworking the entire trip backwards and in half the time. We'll be driving from the Chicago Suburbs to Morro Bay, CA with pit stops in Aurora NE, White River National Forrest CO, and Zion National Park UT. Then we're headed up Pacific Coast Highway (PCH for all you cool kids) with stops in Big Sur National Park, San Fransisco, Point Reyes National Seashore, then up to Eureka to visit Joanie, Nick, cute baby, Thumbs, Not Thumbs, and Also Not Thumbs (I think they have 3 cats and one human baby now...) where I will secure my rightful place as favorite auntie with monetary stand-ins for my absentee love and see Redwoods National Forrest. From there the journey will continue on to Crater Lake National Park, Bend OR, Craters of the Moon National Monument ID, and Grand Tetons WY.  All before Sept 8th when Wormy gets his shot.

We're heading out tomorrow around 7/7:30 and driving about 8 1/2 hrs. Needless to say, I'm currently binge watching the final season of "The Killing" on Netflix at 12:30. I just finished fellowship. I've trained for this kind of sleep deprivation, people.